Frisbee & BESATU

Okay, honest confession over here. I am slowly, SLOWY, sick of frisbee. Too much expectations, too much pressure, and too much drama. But i know, without frisbee, Ill be DEAD BORED.

Talk about expectations. People expect me to do better as i get more involved in games. Well that's how it should be. But I find it difficult to 'comply' with this theory. Yes, more experiences, better understanding but it is hard for me to be consistent. AND OH MY GOD, i cant just accept it when people have high expectation on me and i failed them. It makes me sad and i feel like a disappointment. Honestly, i keep on saying i don't care but i know, i do care and i will think about it for the rest of my life (legit, in another 10 years, i will ponder about it). WHY PEOPLE WHYYYY

I can handle pressure, i can handle pressure, i can handle pressure. Things i tell myself coz i don't like to accept the fact that i cant handle pressure well. I'm still learning and i hope i can get a hang of this soon. As you go higher level, there are too much expectation and people tend to get more serious in this. I don't like the eerie feeling after making mistakes. It feels like the 'experienced players' are watching you with their eagle eyes. This pressures me a lot. Whenever i get this feeling, i start to restrict myself from doing certain things and in the end, i'll regret what ive done to myself. IM SORRY MY DEAR SELF.

Drama? Nah, i don't even know why i said that. It's just, i have a weakness that i have to curb soon and if not, i am going to die (lol, that is too much of an exxaggeration). No, i am not going to die but i know, it will be really bad for me. I get disappointed easily with myself especially when i know i have failed someone. I tend to think about it and just be sad like there's no tomorrow. I tend to avoid people coz ill feel like i should just be a alone but also at the same time, i feel like i need someone to talk to (indecisive much??).

Overall, i know i should not quit frisbee coz that's the only sports that i have actually dedicated most of my time. There was softball but now, its just a history (argh, i could have gone further if i don't care much about the coach). I know i should just enjoy it in the way i want but hey, i can get peer pressure really easy. WHY AM I THIS WEAK :(. I feel intimidated when i see my friends getting better but at the same time, i am happy coz I'm proud of them. BUT WHYYYY do i have to feel intimidated???

I should stop getting affected by people coz its EXHAUSTING.

So, BERSATU. I have to say, everything is well with some slacks over here and there. I just have this feeling that one BIG THING is coming and going to affect us all.

Im worried that the presidents are too quite? Im worried about the funds, I'm worried that puan suraya hasn't said anything and mooorrreee. Im worried about how people see me as a director and I AM JUST TOO SCARED TO ADMIT that i am a noob. Okay, maybe not. I should slap myself.

Im actually worried about being too aggressive with my committee and I'm just pissed that i actually care. Haih, indecisive again.

One thing i learned from this is i am a type of person who needs a constant reassurance that I'm doing fine and I'm on track. But hello, where can i get such peeps? Nowhere.

Okay, maybe not too much on BERSATU but yeah, ive said those in my chest and i should continue studying now.

p/s: i still get attached to people easily and it broke my heart when i got ignored.