Anxiety Disorder

I diagnosed myself with anxiety disorder after doing some reading on the internet. 

Yeah right, google can solve all your problems.

I do know that to be really sure of this, I need a proper consultation.

But you know, I’m scared. I’m scared that it will be more than what I had expected. 

I have been anxious since the day before I left Auckland with my parents and as we started travelling, it gets worst. 

I remember crying really bad before leaving for Malaysia last year. 

I couldn’t even pack and Mai and Namira had to help pack for me. 

At random times, I’ll start to cry, wondering if I’m really going to die.

Death is imminent and I’m aware of that.

But, there are just things that I want to achieve and do so I’m just scared. 

Another thing that im scared of is of course, the death itself; the feeling of leaving the people you love and be alone in your own grave. 

You might be forgotten and or you might be remembered. 

But I have been wanting to live a long healthy life with my family; to be able to go holiday with my siblings and parents and just talk about those days; to be able to spend my time with my soulmate as well as my best friends. 

I wish for that kind of life. 

I couldn’t stop praying and wishing that Allah would calm my heart down and show me solution. 

I became paranoid whenever I see the word ‘death’ or something relatable. 

I start to ask myself if I’m really going to survive and see next year and future. 

The thoughts were killing me because I would start to cry and I couldn’t focus on whatever I’m doing. 

So how does this anxiety feel?

I usually get this when I’m travelling. 

I’ll think of the worst things that could happen and I start to find out ways to survive. 

I have also started to notice that I will become really anxious when I cannot control my life. 

I will also think about life without me and how I will be alone and it scares me. 

The first person that I talked about this to was Adam. 

I just feel like he has the right to know as I couldn’t hide things from him.

Before I talked about it, I have actually told myself that if he decided that it’s too much for him, let him go. 

But, he stayed. He understood and told me that he will be there.

Thank you Allah for such amazing boyfriend.

I told my parents about it a day after I told Adam but their reactions were a bit better than I have expected. 

I thought they’re going to lecture me about how in Islam, there’s no such thing as anxiety or depression but instead, my dad just told me to stay positive and my mom on the other hand, questioned me. 

“Why do you want to feel like that?” She asked.

I was surprised when she asked that and after explaining that it’s a disorder and you don’t get to choose.

To be honest,I’m pretty sure I’m having anxiety disorder and I just need to learn on how to treat it.