Late night thoughts

It's 11pm now and i have work tomorrow.
Cant sleep. Have been trying to sleep; shifting positions and counting sheep.
Didn't work.
It's either because it's too hot in here or there's just something in my mind.
As usual, i couldnt put it in words as i don't even know what's in my mind.

Im worried about myself.
I have never put so much trust in someone and it makes me feel vulnerable.
I feel like i am naked and there is nowhere i can hide or a clothes i can put on.
I don't even think i can cover myself up as i feel like everything has been shown.
My flaws, my childishness, my dark emotions, my deep thoughts and my weaknesses.
It scares me.
But i know, it is not a bad thing coz it is natural to do so when u found someone whom you fully trust.

'Love nothing but yourself.' I like this quote but i don't literally take it.
I love people in a way that i want them to be happy when I'm around but it has to work both ways;
I need to make sure i am happy too, which, sounds rather selfish.
My happiness might not be my top priority but i know, I am not a faker.
I am not going to fake and hide what i feel.
If i don't feel happy doing it, it's best that i don't do it.
But sometimes, i tend to forget this and i end up hurting myself even more.

I do believe that different people have different life and different paths.
How God tested Ayesha showed me how scary a relationship can be.
For me, it is the worst that can happen to a person who was so in love and devoted to a thing called relationship.
My heart broke when i read her blog and I am sorry for her.
For months, she suffered alone.
She was in pain and i could not imagine how hard and hell those moments were for her.
All i can do is to pray that she will find someone much better and pray that i won't be tested with something like that.
Not now, not forever.

Being away from my family was hard.
Those random homesick that i got were terrible.
I used to live with a belief that i don't care how many 'friends' i have in my life, as long as i have my family.
But living in NZ with that belief is hard.
I dont want to depend on the people here to give me happiness but i do need some of  them to make me feel like i am not alone here.
I need that presence to know, that, whatever happens, I have someone here.

Adam and i have been together for almost 4 months.
I don't even know why i like to count but it could be because i really want it to work.
I know i should just let the relationship drives itself and i should relax but seeing what happened with Ayesha made me scared.
I am not scared of the reason why she broke up but i am scared of being left.
I am scared that it will somehow come unexpectedly and i have no slightest idea of it coming.
I trust him. I do. With ALL. MY. HEART.
I worried too much to be honest.
'Save some for yourself' is what Aqira would tell me whenever he talks to me.
I understand this and i know, i should.

I am going to take a step back from this commitment.
Going to get my feet off the pedal and going to let this relationship cruise by itself.
I will go wherever it brings me and i would not let it affect my main focus.
I have a career to build and i should have faith that everything will be alright.
Believe that if i truly love him and trust him, i should work together with him.
Believe that he wants this to work too and relationship is a two people thing; we will work it out.

That's all i guess.

Night!