Sorry dear self

It's 3 minutes to 12am right now and I have a paper tomorrow.
I just have the need to post this up because i feel like i need to let it out.

There's this guy, whom i hated before. Well i didn't really hate him, i just found him annoying.
Most of the time, he's annoying but there were times where he was helpful and i am thankful for that.
I used to not care about him, knowing that we're not that close for me to actually be concerned about him.
However, slowly, i started to notice him. Before this, i see him as someone who is wild, likes to brag, show-off and loud but, i started to see the other side of him.
I see,
someone who is passionate and determined in getting what he wants, especially in being a leader.
He is so persistent in proving people that he can do it as well as trying his best to be a leader in his own way.
Also, i see someone who is actually a soft hearted person behind that 'cool' appearance. He does care about people around him and he does love his friendships.
He is a warm person and sometimes, i find him cute rather than charming.

To be honest, I started to admire him for  his determination and i wish, i have such guts and efforts.
Where he was before in frisbee and where he is right now, showed that he has improved A LOT and he knew, he does not have the physical ability for him to be good easily but he worked on it. He proved to people around him that working hard is the key to success.

Oh well, little did i know, i am slowly, falling for him.
I don't know when it started but i do realise that it gets even stronger when i had wished that he would get into U24 team so that he would not go find a girlfriend.
And now i am screwed. I am leaving uni soon and i have no reason to come back to Uni.

I have a choice to either stay here and look for works or go back Malaysia.
Staying here would be tough as i have to work and survive by myself and going back is easy as everything is easy when you have family by your side.
I decided to stay, not purely because i want to challenge myself but also because i have promised him i would stay to play frisbee with him.
I chose to stay because of frisbee and him and i know,  IT SOUNDS A BIT WEAK.
My parents would laugh at me because of this.

I am so scared that he will forget me and we will grow apart because if it does happen, i will lose one of the major reasons to stay and i will definitely regret my decision.
So right now, i am trying to encourage myself to stay BECAUSE, i want to stay.
Because i don't want to go back Malaysia just yet. I want to try work here and see how it goes.

He keeps on getting my heart flutter and i hate it sometimes.
He makes the feelings grow stronger and stronger and it hurts me because i don't know how he feels.
Confessing is not the best option right now because there is just too much uncertainty around us.

I am just scared, of getting hurt, rejected or forgotten. I have never been in a relationship but i know being in a relationship is not as sweet and easy as it seems. Why am i even thinking about relationship? I don't even know if he likes me. Pfft, i am never confident in this.

You know you're falling for someone when you don't even know why you like him.
Also, you know it is what you think it is when  you have started to accept his flaws even when you know, your old self wouldn't like it.

I haven't felt like this for soooo long and i know there will be nights where i cant sleep and i will cry my heart out. I know i will end up getting hurt but I'm sorry my dear self, i cannot suppress the feeling, its just too heavy.

This is too much to handle right now especially during exam time. I am just too tired right now.
May Allah shows me signs.

Ciao!