Family (Diary)

I told few people that few years after i worked as a Chartered Accountant, i would quit my profession and be a housewife. I want to dedicate my life to my family and spend most of my time with my children. Some took this idea positively but some didn't. They were surprised on how weird my plan is as they see me as someone who likes to work and crave for success. Well, for me, success is everywhere if you work for it but having a happy family is hard to get.

I believe that there is no perfect family in this world but i believe in the effort of making one.
I could say i come from a family that has everything that we want but that 'everything' does not include few essential abstracts.
However, i am not gonna talk about all as i dont think i can list it all down. I dont want to think of my family as a broken family nor a bad one.

When i was one year and 8 months old, my brother was born so the attention that i had all by myself was divided. Ibu had to take a really good care of him so Ayah was the one who entertained me. Not to forget my grandma who lives with us. Then, when i was 3 years and 4 months old, my sister was born. I was so happy to have another siblings but my brother wasn't. He was sad because the newborn baby was a girl as he had no gang (even though i was his gang all the time). My sister got bullied a lot by both of us and i cant specifically remember why. Maybe because she was the cutest and a lot  of people adored her. I dont know. Three years after that, another sister was born and three years later, another sister was born. So basically, I am the first child, i have four siblings excluding me and there is only one male among us.

The point of telling all these are to describe how big my family is and how important they are to me. We are close as the years gap between us are not that big. The difference in age between me and my sister is 10 years and she is the most adorable sister that i ever have. In most things, i would think of her first even though i like to bully her. I am close to my brother but i prefer to call it as used to. Time had actually brought us apart but no one is there to be blamed. He was sent to boarding school so the probability of me seeing him every year was 10 times (exclude school holiday). I used to fight a lot with my sister who is the eldest among all three sisters i have. She is very hard-headed but she has a kind heart. But now, we're close and would avoid fighting with each other. My second last sister is closer to my brother so what i could say is, i am not that close to her.

Back to my parents. When i was a kid, i can still remember how often i went out with my parents. To the park, holiday and even shopping. Despite the fact that they weren't there for my Sports Day or any major events, i was a bit okay but of course i was sad, seeing my friends' parents came but mine didn't. But problem started to arise as my parents get old. They used to be there during  the weekend where they would usually hung out with us at home or took us out but now, both of them are getting busier. My point here is that, i did try to understand their situations but i just pitied my sisters who had nothing to do during the weekend. Friday night used to be 'having dinner with family outside' but now, there was no more such thing as both of them have gym. Weekend used to be family day but now, saturday is Golf day while sunday is the only family day. It broke my heart when my sister called me and told me how she is often bored during the weekend as my parents are busy. She would also ask one question that sometimes, i feel sad to answer, "When are you coming back home?". I couldn't promise her anything as i don't even know when can i come back.
Furthermore, one thing about my dad is he is a workaholic person. He wasn't this busy before but he gets busier now. He will always  have to go somewhere every week and usually his flight will be on sunday. So, sometimes, Sundays are burnt. I might not feel it because i am currently away from home but my sisters do.

Holidays got cancelled most of the time due to my dad who could not make it and we would end up have our 'holiday' when we follow him goes outstation. I couldn't remember the last time my family and i  had a proper holiday. I am not being an ungrateful child but being me who used to have proper holidays, who is going to leave soon to study and who still have younger sisters, this is not what i imagine my life would be. Yes, people say, expect the unexpected but this involves feelings and we human are bounded to react with feelings. Sometimes, i see no point of going home as for me, the point of going home is to see my parents but since they are getting busier, the only reason now is my sisters. I did try to  talk about this to my parents but my mom pointed my dad as someone that i should talk to when it comes to this. But when i talked to him, i was asked to understand his situation as someone who is working to support the family. I am speechless by this and the conversation just dropped there. I did want to try compare but my parents hate when my siblings and i compare our lives with other people.

I still love my family and still grateful by how it is now but there are things that i don't want to be repeated in my future life.
So, from these experiences, i told myself that i wouldn't want my future children to feel like this. To feel lonely and left out. My plan may sounds like 'kampung' but this is my life.