Anxiety Disorder

I diagnosed myself with anxiety disorder after doing some reading on the internet. 

Yeah right, google can solve all your problems.

I do know that to be really sure of this, I need a proper consultation.

But you know, I’m scared. I’m scared that it will be more than what I had expected. 

I have been anxious since the day before I left Auckland with my parents and as we started travelling, it gets worst. 

I remember crying really bad before leaving for Malaysia last year. 

I couldn’t even pack and Mai and Namira had to help pack for me. 

At random times, I’ll start to cry, wondering if I’m really going to die.

Death is imminent and I’m aware of that.

But, there are just things that I want to achieve and do so I’m just scared. 

Another thing that im scared of is of course, the death itself; the feeling of leaving the people you love and be alone in your own grave. 

You might be forgotten and or you might be remembered. 

But I have been wanting to live a long healthy life with my family; to be able to go holiday with my siblings and parents and just talk about those days; to be able to spend my time with my soulmate as well as my best friends. 

I wish for that kind of life. 

I couldn’t stop praying and wishing that Allah would calm my heart down and show me solution. 

I became paranoid whenever I see the word ‘death’ or something relatable. 

I start to ask myself if I’m really going to survive and see next year and future. 

The thoughts were killing me because I would start to cry and I couldn’t focus on whatever I’m doing. 

So how does this anxiety feel?

I usually get this when I’m travelling. 

I’ll think of the worst things that could happen and I start to find out ways to survive. 

I have also started to notice that I will become really anxious when I cannot control my life. 

I will also think about life without me and how I will be alone and it scares me. 

The first person that I talked about this to was Adam. 

I just feel like he has the right to know as I couldn’t hide things from him.

Before I talked about it, I have actually told myself that if he decided that it’s too much for him, let him go. 

But, he stayed. He understood and told me that he will be there.

Thank you Allah for such amazing boyfriend.

I told my parents about it a day after I told Adam but their reactions were a bit better than I have expected. 

I thought they’re going to lecture me about how in Islam, there’s no such thing as anxiety or depression but instead, my dad just told me to stay positive and my mom on the other hand, questioned me. 

“Why do you want to feel like that?” She asked.

I was surprised when she asked that and after explaining that it’s a disorder and you don’t get to choose.

To be honest,I’m pretty sure I’m having anxiety disorder and I just need to learn on how to treat it.

Late night thoughts

It's 11pm now and i have work tomorrow.
Cant sleep. Have been trying to sleep; shifting positions and counting sheep.
Didn't work.
It's either because it's too hot in here or there's just something in my mind.
As usual, i couldnt put it in words as i don't even know what's in my mind.

Im worried about myself.
I have never put so much trust in someone and it makes me feel vulnerable.
I feel like i am naked and there is nowhere i can hide or a clothes i can put on.
I don't even think i can cover myself up as i feel like everything has been shown.
My flaws, my childishness, my dark emotions, my deep thoughts and my weaknesses.
It scares me.
But i know, it is not a bad thing coz it is natural to do so when u found someone whom you fully trust.

'Love nothing but yourself.' I like this quote but i don't literally take it.
I love people in a way that i want them to be happy when I'm around but it has to work both ways;
I need to make sure i am happy too, which, sounds rather selfish.
My happiness might not be my top priority but i know, I am not a faker.
I am not going to fake and hide what i feel.
If i don't feel happy doing it, it's best that i don't do it.
But sometimes, i tend to forget this and i end up hurting myself even more.

I do believe that different people have different life and different paths.
How God tested Ayesha showed me how scary a relationship can be.
For me, it is the worst that can happen to a person who was so in love and devoted to a thing called relationship.
My heart broke when i read her blog and I am sorry for her.
For months, she suffered alone.
She was in pain and i could not imagine how hard and hell those moments were for her.
All i can do is to pray that she will find someone much better and pray that i won't be tested with something like that.
Not now, not forever.

Being away from my family was hard.
Those random homesick that i got were terrible.
I used to live with a belief that i don't care how many 'friends' i have in my life, as long as i have my family.
But living in NZ with that belief is hard.
I dont want to depend on the people here to give me happiness but i do need some of  them to make me feel like i am not alone here.
I need that presence to know, that, whatever happens, I have someone here.

Adam and i have been together for almost 4 months.
I don't even know why i like to count but it could be because i really want it to work.
I know i should just let the relationship drives itself and i should relax but seeing what happened with Ayesha made me scared.
I am not scared of the reason why she broke up but i am scared of being left.
I am scared that it will somehow come unexpectedly and i have no slightest idea of it coming.
I trust him. I do. With ALL. MY. HEART.
I worried too much to be honest.
'Save some for yourself' is what Aqira would tell me whenever he talks to me.
I understand this and i know, i should.

I am going to take a step back from this commitment.
Going to get my feet off the pedal and going to let this relationship cruise by itself.
I will go wherever it brings me and i would not let it affect my main focus.
I have a career to build and i should have faith that everything will be alright.
Believe that if i truly love him and trust him, i should work together with him.
Believe that he wants this to work too and relationship is a two people thing; we will work it out.

That's all i guess.

Night!

Beginning of Auckland-er

Life has been stressful but Alhmadulillah, everything is slowly going well.
I'm slowly getting a hang of what my job is even though there are things that I'm still blur at.
But hey, everyone struggles at the beginning. It's normal.
I can do this!

I had times when I wanted to quit and just either go back Christchurch or home but I know, I will disappoint not just my parents but my friends too, who are proud of me or those who had struggled to get a job.
I'm thankful for all those people that have made my first week at Auckland bearable.

Adam, absolutely has been a greatest support. He checked on me and he was there for me whenever I needed him. But my bad, I didn't think of how he is too, struggling with his own things right now. With his exams coming up, trainings, and work. I felt really bad because I didn't realise it took a lot of his energy to maintain everything and he did break down. I felt like I was being selfish and I hope he's not mad at me😭 (well I think he does but he didn't show it).
But yeah, so now I'm just giving him all the spaces he needs and let him sort out his stuff.
"Distance makes the heart grows fonder." Mai told me this and I have to admit, I love this quote.
It does make me appreciate Adam more and I love him even more.
I like how he talks about things that we can do in the future and it feels good, knowing that he wants this to work.
We discussed about a lot of stuff especially on how to work things out and yes! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
I am utterly grateful to have him❤️❤️

Mai has been one of the greatest support too. She talked to me whenever I needed to talk to someone.
She even called me! It feels good to know someone misses you💜
I am so excited to go back malaysia so I can meet Mai and the rest of the girls. There are so many things to catch up.
I gave Mai her fav snacks and teasme as my appreciation gift to her. I know it's nothing much but I hope it will make her day.
Out of all the friends I have at christchurch, I know she's the one I can rely on and she will always back me up whenever I need it.
Even tho sometimes she will cut my heart 💔 with a knife, but I know, she just want to help me out.
I'm gonna miss her a lot!

It's amazing to have Huda at Auckland. To have that one person whom you know you can go to whenever you need someone like home. Moving to auckland has been hard but I do admit, knowing Huda is here makes it a bit better. As usual, Huda being Huda, the cheerful, funny and YOLO yet matured in her adorable way. I look forward to more hanging out days with her.

I have to admit, Nukman and Ahah have been a great help too. They made me feel at home. They tried to cheer me up whenever I'm down and they tried to make sure that I don't feel left out. I appreciate them so much💜. Even tho sometimes Nukman can be so annoying👿 But I'm glad I have them to hang out with whenever I feel like I just want to chill at home. Ahah and I were not that close but I like how we are getting along quite well☺️. Looking for more baking session with her.

Of course, my family especially my mom and dad too have been a great help. Having them in my mind whenever I'm stressed with works boosts me up coz no one likes to work but hey, you gotta deal with it. I miss my parents 😢. 2 more months to go!

That's all for now?¿

P/s: I didn't get into the Christchurch Chicks team for World Ultimate Championship. It broke my heart even more to know me moving to Auckland was one of the reasons why. Only God knows how long I broke down and actually thought about quitting frisbee (technically can't quit coz I promised someone that I won't and I will play with him). I thought I had a shot. I really did have a high hope on it. It's hard to convince myself to not care about it coz I know I had wanted it. Mouth can lie but heart can never lie. Ill just see how my frisbee career turns out after this.

Ciao!

Update! Re: The Beginning of New Chapter

Just need to update coz believe it or not, 
A lot have happened this last 2-3 days.

Firstly, I feel happier with Adam now.
We talked about this relationship and i like how its going.
He tried to spend more time with me and he tried to commit to it.
I appreciate his effort.

Two days ago, Huda called and told me that she has to go back soon,
GO BACK FOR GOOD.
I was so upset that my sickness got worst.
I went to see a doctor and yeah, i was identified with viral pharyngitis AGAIN.
The doctor believed that my immune system is down due to the stress of moving up to Auckland.
It is true as i had this before when i was stressed out with BERSATU last time.

Aqira had to go back (and he left yesterday) because he forgot to renew his visa.
He will come back next year to continue his studies.
This affected Mai so bad and I pity her.
As expected, not long after that, Mai made up her mind and told me she's leaving for Malaysia for good.
I knew it's coming but I guess I'm just not prepared.
I thought I will get to see her whenever i come back to Christchurch.

Me leaving Auckland means that me and Adam will be on LDR but i prefer to call it as MDR.
It will be hard but I have faith. I have faith that we will go through this.
I like how he does think of coming up to visit me and I like how he up for my idea of going for trips to compensate the times that we could not spend with each other.
We even set out few rules with each other and those are:-

1) We have to talk to each other, at least keep each other updated or check on each other
2) If we fight, don't sleep with it. Solve it
3) Don't keep secrets, always always tell each other. But honesty with tactful
4) Don't cheat (He came up with this XD)

I think we are trying to keep this relationship simple and go with the flow. I like it.

Alhamdulillah, this morning Huda called me and she said her grandma is getting better and she will only go back in January. I will most prob stay with her and some of our kys friends. Am i looking forward to it? Maybeeeeee....

That's all for now. Ciao!

The beginning of a new chapter!

I got a job? I FINALLY GOT A JOB!
After 3 months of waiting and searching, i finally got a job.
I am beyond grateful for such blessing but at the same time, i cant lie to myself that i had wished that it could be at Christchurch instead of Auckland.
I understand that beggars cant be choosy so i HAVE to no matter what.

I have less than a week left before i leave my lovely Christchurch,
To be exact, i have around 5 days.
There are just so many things i want to do but i am not even sure if i can do it.

Most importantly, i want to spend time with Mai.
I am definitely going to miss her.
After December, she is going back for good and there will be no more Mai in NZ.
For 2+ years, she has been my closest and best-est friend here.
She means a lot to me and i think i havent shown enough appreciation to her.

Of course there's Adam.
But i just feel sad thinking about it so im not going to write anything about it.
All i ever hope is for us to last for as long as we can.
I do want us to last for more than a year but we all know, the future is full of surprises.
BUT STILL, I WISH IT WOULD LAST FOR A VERYYYY LONG TIME.
All we ever  talk about now is 'good break up.'
It hurts because whenever this crosses my mind, i just could not stop myself from not crying.
First love does hurt and when it does, it hurts the most.
A break up is still a break up.
Good or bad, it will hurt.
I know myself; hating it is easier than moving on,
And that is exactly what i cant do.

I am a person who wants to be certain in everything i do.
I like to know that i have a proper plan for my future.
The uncertainty and anxiety are just ....
But i just have to have faith in me, and him.
I love it when he knows how to make me feel better.
Sometimes, it feels like he's too perfect that i need to catch my breath and think.

Lel.
Thats all.

Life Update

Hello,
First thing first, i have a boyfriend now... LIKE LEGIT, A BOYFRIEND!💃
Who would have thought uh?
It feels so good to like someone and it is not one sided!
I just feel like everything is too good to be true right now
He's just perfect for me...
I mean, yeah, i do have some 'dream guy' thingy but he ticked most of the boxes
AND EVEN THE UNTICKED ONES ARE JUST TOO PETTY TO CARE☺️
I have been thinking about it and the only reason i like about him is because i like him as a whole
I like everything about him and of course, there are parts of him that i find scary/annoying but I'm cool with it as i know how to react to it (not everyone is perfect, even i have my own flaws)
In conclusion, i am with someone right now.
I cant stop smiling on how my post on this blog is starting to change.
From being stressed about having to fall for him to this!

We are very open with each other and he has my trust now.
I finally brought down the 'wall' that i have built up since high school and he is the first one to see the third side of myself; no regrets👌
All the insecurities, all the deep thoughts and all the childishness, he has seen it.
Another good thing about him is the fact that we were best friends which makes things easier and more interesting
However, i always get nervous when i know he's there watching me play.
It's the same feeling that i always get when my parents come and watch me play
Huh, the feeling that i might disappoint them.
I have to work on that....😕

So on my birthday, he made the day. Of course, mai and the rest made it too 💜
He came in the morning, with presents! He bought my fav Starbucks drink and he even cooked me lunch! ☺️
After that, we went out to the city, walked around and it felt so nice to just spend time together.
He knows I like walking and he went for it even though he doesn't like it (sorry boy, it's my day).
Afterwards, we went to Madam Woo and we had dinner. I had a feeling that my Flatmate must be up to something and oh my God, he is really bad at surprises😂.
We were on our way home and he kept on going here and there, suddenly wanting to eat dessert, then wanting to help Mai gets ice cream. I had a feeling that he's working on something with my flatmates.
When I reached home, flatmates surprised me with my favourite cake!!
The most interesting thing is, they helped Adam decorated my room coz he wants to officially ask me out. It was great but my room was kind a messy that time so I found it funny at the same time😂
It was a great date to mark it as our 'day' and since early of this year, I have wished that something good has to happen during my birthday.
Adam and I kind a confessed to each other on the 4th but unfortunately, it was just a confession to him while i thought that was the beginning of us as bf and gf.
Then, he talked to Mai and Mai encouraged him to get 17th as the official date.
At first I didn't want coz I was scared. I was scared that this will ended up bad and it will scar me but I should not be worried about it.
We both have promised that we will stay close even if things don't work out.
I know it will be hard but our friendship worths so much that I don't want to lose it.

He realised he liked me way earlier than me realising that I like him. What stopping him was his fear of losing me as his friend. But mai confronted him and he just knew he has to confess (if Mai didn't confront, he would not even confess, MEAN!) 😂
Thanks Mai💜

Up until now, we've quarelled a bit but we solved it quickly. We were honest with how we feel and although it's annoying, it makes things better. Everyday, we learn about each other and it's interesting on how we can just handle each other's annoying-ness. We looooovvveeee to be dramatic and childish with each other. It's good that we know how to handle each other. 👍
From the bottom of my heart, he has set the standard high and if things don't work out, I will be having a hard time to get someone on par or better than him.😥

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Type of guy

We're not in a relationship right now but the way we act is as if we are in one
We are not even together, but we have been meeting each other almost everyday
We have never said i love you to each other but we have sent so many heart shapes
I dont know what we are right now but all i know is i am definitely falling for him

Whenever i feel down, i want him to be with me, to hug me and to encourage me
Whenever im happy, i want him to be the first person to know about it
And he is always the first person that comes into my mind each day
I dont know how he feels about me but all i know is he is important to me now

From him, i learned many things.
I learned that i am capable of give and take.
I learned how to love someone dearly but have no expectation.
I learned to control myself to not be deeply in love.
I learned to understand how a guy thinks and be more reasonable.
I learned to control my jealousy.
I learned to care and to be honest with what i feel.

I even learned few things about myself.
I learned that i would never say things i do not mean where i wont say i miss him when i do not miss him
I learned that what i care more from a partner is compassion, passion and warmth.

I also learned that what i want from him is;
I want him to be there when i am sad and angry.
I want him to know how i feel and how warm hug is all i need.
I want him to be there to support me in everything i do; watching me play games even when it's hot or when it rains.
I want him to have faith in me and know that i am scared of failing
I want him to tell me the truth even when he knows it's gonna hurt me but with care
I want assurance that he will always be there for me and i can always trust him

I just hope he feels the same way.