Sorry dear self

It's 3 minutes to 12am right now and I have a paper tomorrow.
I just have the need to post this up because i feel like i need to let it out.

There's this guy, whom i hated before. Well i didn't really hate him, i just found him annoying.
Most of the time, he's annoying but there were times where he was helpful and i am thankful for that.
I used to not care about him, knowing that we're not that close for me to actually be concerned about him.
However, slowly, i started to notice him. Before this, i see him as someone who is wild, likes to brag, show-off and loud but, i started to see the other side of him.
I see,
someone who is passionate and determined in getting what he wants, especially in being a leader.
He is so persistent in proving people that he can do it as well as trying his best to be a leader in his own way.
Also, i see someone who is actually a soft hearted person behind that 'cool' appearance. He does care about people around him and he does love his friendships.
He is a warm person and sometimes, i find him cute rather than charming.

To be honest, I started to admire him for  his determination and i wish, i have such guts and efforts.
Where he was before in frisbee and where he is right now, showed that he has improved A LOT and he knew, he does not have the physical ability for him to be good easily but he worked on it. He proved to people around him that working hard is the key to success.

Oh well, little did i know, i am slowly, falling for him.
I don't know when it started but i do realise that it gets even stronger when i had wished that he would get into U24 team so that he would not go find a girlfriend.
And now i am screwed. I am leaving uni soon and i have no reason to come back to Uni.

I have a choice to either stay here and look for works or go back Malaysia.
Staying here would be tough as i have to work and survive by myself and going back is easy as everything is easy when you have family by your side.
I decided to stay, not purely because i want to challenge myself but also because i have promised him i would stay to play frisbee with him.
I chose to stay because of frisbee and him and i know,  IT SOUNDS A BIT WEAK.
My parents would laugh at me because of this.

I am so scared that he will forget me and we will grow apart because if it does happen, i will lose one of the major reasons to stay and i will definitely regret my decision.
So right now, i am trying to encourage myself to stay BECAUSE, i want to stay.
Because i don't want to go back Malaysia just yet. I want to try work here and see how it goes.

He keeps on getting my heart flutter and i hate it sometimes.
He makes the feelings grow stronger and stronger and it hurts me because i don't know how he feels.
Confessing is not the best option right now because there is just too much uncertainty around us.

I am just scared, of getting hurt, rejected or forgotten. I have never been in a relationship but i know being in a relationship is not as sweet and easy as it seems. Why am i even thinking about relationship? I don't even know if he likes me. Pfft, i am never confident in this.

You know you're falling for someone when you don't even know why you like him.
Also, you know it is what you think it is when  you have started to accept his flaws even when you know, your old self wouldn't like it.

I haven't felt like this for soooo long and i know there will be nights where i cant sleep and i will cry my heart out. I know i will end up getting hurt but I'm sorry my dear self, i cannot suppress the feeling, its just too heavy.

This is too much to handle right now especially during exam time. I am just too tired right now.
May Allah shows me signs.

Ciao!

Redha

Have you ever wondered why certain things happened?
I bet most of us have questioned those before.
When something bad happened, we started to think on what did we do wrong and when something good happened, we didn't even bother to think what happened in the past.

This just occurred to me as i broke my phone just now.
Long story short, it was bent and half of the screen could not be used.
When that happened, i was too quiet and all i ever did was wishing that, what happened was a dream.
I was too speechless even my friend was worried about me.
I started to think of the things i have done before and if i have done something wrong that made me deserve this.
But you know, sometimes you don't have the right to decide that.

I told my parents and i really thought I'm going to cry but i did not.
That surprised me.
I did not cry or mourn and this surprised me.
However, Redha is what my religious taught me to do when something bad happened and that is what i am feeling right now.
You just accept that things happened and wish that something better is going to happen.

I did not know how my life going to be after this but i am just glad i have saved almost everything in my phone and transferred it into my laptop.
I should stay strong and believe that something good will happen. Yes. Believe.

Have faith.<3 p="">

Frisbee & BESATU

Okay, honest confession over here. I am slowly, SLOWY, sick of frisbee. Too much expectations, too much pressure, and too much drama. But i know, without frisbee, Ill be DEAD BORED.

Talk about expectations. People expect me to do better as i get more involved in games. Well that's how it should be. But I find it difficult to 'comply' with this theory. Yes, more experiences, better understanding but it is hard for me to be consistent. AND OH MY GOD, i cant just accept it when people have high expectation on me and i failed them. It makes me sad and i feel like a disappointment. Honestly, i keep on saying i don't care but i know, i do care and i will think about it for the rest of my life (legit, in another 10 years, i will ponder about it). WHY PEOPLE WHYYYY

I can handle pressure, i can handle pressure, i can handle pressure. Things i tell myself coz i don't like to accept the fact that i cant handle pressure well. I'm still learning and i hope i can get a hang of this soon. As you go higher level, there are too much expectation and people tend to get more serious in this. I don't like the eerie feeling after making mistakes. It feels like the 'experienced players' are watching you with their eagle eyes. This pressures me a lot. Whenever i get this feeling, i start to restrict myself from doing certain things and in the end, i'll regret what ive done to myself. IM SORRY MY DEAR SELF.

Drama? Nah, i don't even know why i said that. It's just, i have a weakness that i have to curb soon and if not, i am going to die (lol, that is too much of an exxaggeration). No, i am not going to die but i know, it will be really bad for me. I get disappointed easily with myself especially when i know i have failed someone. I tend to think about it and just be sad like there's no tomorrow. I tend to avoid people coz ill feel like i should just be a alone but also at the same time, i feel like i need someone to talk to (indecisive much??).

Overall, i know i should not quit frisbee coz that's the only sports that i have actually dedicated most of my time. There was softball but now, its just a history (argh, i could have gone further if i don't care much about the coach). I know i should just enjoy it in the way i want but hey, i can get peer pressure really easy. WHY AM I THIS WEAK :(. I feel intimidated when i see my friends getting better but at the same time, i am happy coz I'm proud of them. BUT WHYYYY do i have to feel intimidated???

I should stop getting affected by people coz its EXHAUSTING.

So, BERSATU. I have to say, everything is well with some slacks over here and there. I just have this feeling that one BIG THING is coming and going to affect us all.

Im worried that the presidents are too quite? Im worried about the funds, I'm worried that puan suraya hasn't said anything and mooorrreee. Im worried about how people see me as a director and I AM JUST TOO SCARED TO ADMIT that i am a noob. Okay, maybe not. I should slap myself.

Im actually worried about being too aggressive with my committee and I'm just pissed that i actually care. Haih, indecisive again.

One thing i learned from this is i am a type of person who needs a constant reassurance that I'm doing fine and I'm on track. But hello, where can i get such peeps? Nowhere.

Okay, maybe not too much on BERSATU but yeah, ive said those in my chest and i should continue studying now.

p/s: i still get attached to people easily and it broke my heart when i got ignored.

K-Drama

Ive watched many dramas and there were two dramas that i cant just bring myself to not watch after knowing its bad ending. I cried (legit) and still cant accept the ending.

Scarlet Heart Ryeo is a drama that i would rate 4.5/5. The reason is because of the story line itself. Well, the OSTs are also good but most of the credit will go to the story line. 8 brothers living together (well, the 3rd one was casted out but eventually returned) in a palace even though they were all from different mother. Three of them were from the same one but the rest were from really different mother. 

Funny how a King will always have many sons because of his relationship with more than one woman. Ive watched too many dramas that relate king with so many women and i just cant understand why cant a king just live happily with one woman? Peace between countries? A gift? 

Haih, hard life for a king. 

Okay, so the first price which was the king after the dad died, was killed by the second brother. When the second brother ruled, many people died and it was just terrible. One of the brothers was also killed during that time together with the wife. ISNT IT SAD? This sibling relationship is so sick where some of them were willing to kill each other. But, there were few of them who ended up staying together, supporting each other, and trust each other. During the second brother's ruling, the third brother was the highest ranking general  or warrior and he had to listen to his older brother's request just to protect the woman he loves. Talking about this woman, she's very inspiring. She touched so many lives in that castle and till the end, she stayed honest with herself. She fell in love with the fourth brother but the fourth brother was so protective and crazy for power, their love slowly died. Third brother had liked her so much since they met and she slowly opened up for him and they fell in love. 

So, the second brother died. The third brother ruled. He did not become a scary and mean king like what the history had said (thanks to the woman). He made few mistakes at the beginning there though. The way he protected the woman was scary yet meaningful. He had grown up in a tough environment. Casted out of the palace because he had a scar on his face (his own mother did it), grew up at a place where no one treated him with kindness and ended up becoming the most ruthless swordsman. The woman changed the way he sees the world as well as changing him to be more of a loving person. BUT, he cant marry the woman BECAUSE, the woman has scar (a woman who has a scar cant marry a king! That's the rule). So she stayed at the palace as the king's lover. However, he had to marry his sister (from another mother) to maintain peace (AGAIN! KING?!). 

After that, the woman had to leave the palace because she had to leave (i don't remember the reason why). She knew it would be hard to leave the palace and the youngest brother who had major crush on the woman offered his help by marrying the woman. Of course, he knew she's his brother's woman but he wanted to help her. So, they ended up marrying each other. The king was so heartbroken and when he found that the woman was smiling with the brother (because they were talking about the good times at the palace) the king became sad. He even saw his woman was carried by the brother into his room and assumed that the woman had betrayed him. Actually, she was sick and slowly dying. She was even pregnant! The king was so heartbroken that he never wanted to hear anything from her. On her last day, she had requested for the king to come see her but the king didn't see the letter. She died without meeting the kind, her true love. Her last wish was to not let her daughter be involved with the king and palace but the king found out. He met the girl when the youngest brother visited the woman's memorial at the palace together with the girl. The king knew the girl is his daughter but he understands why it had been kept as a secret. 

In the future, the woman was back into her life (oh yeah, she was suddenly brought to the dynasty because she was meant to change the fate of the king), she found an art that looks like the king (actually, it was the king) and she cried coz she knew, what she had was not a dream. AND THAT'S THE END. 

Haih, it was based on a chinese drama so i had a look at the chinese drama's ending and it was sad. Me being normal me, i wouldn't want to watch coz it has a sad ending but its so good that i cant bring myself to stop watching it. I love the way the story shows how hard a king's life can be, how hard it is to get together with the people you love when you live in a palace and how confusing and scary a family can be. I also like on how the idea of forced marriage can lead to a beautiful life if you work on it. This is based on the 7th brother's story. He was married to a girl that he doesn't like but he knew, the girl has a major crush on him. He slowly opened up to her and they did lead a beautiful life even though at the end, the brother killed him. In this drama, there were a lot of deaths that made me cry but its a meaningful death. The deaths have to happen that i cant hate it. The reasons are just meaningful and understandable. Some deaths are unfair but those are sacrifices that have to be made. My friend cried so much and i can see that this drama is indeed a good one even though it's sad. The impact of this drama is so good where its OST itself is popular. There's this one OST where if you closed your eyes while watching the drama, you knew someone had died when this OST appeared. 

Now, the next one which i had just finished watching. Goblin. My rate on this would be 4.9/5. The CGI is amazing, the sceneries in the drama itself are wonderful and the OSTs are all just on point. This drama has the best OST because i would update my Spotify as soon as the OST was released. My summary on this drama will be a bit shorter because its so good that i can actually pinpoint what was good about it. 

The story is about Goblin who had lived more than 900 years because of the Almighty's mercy and punishment. He died because he was killed by the King, his own master. He was a great warrior where he had never lost a battle. The King was influenced by a meany old man and he ordered the warrior to be killed. In the process, the Goblin's sister died (she was the queen that time). But he was loved by the people so a lot of people prayed for him. That's why he lived, because of his people's love and his punishment for killing many people in his battle war. He had a sword pierced through is body and only his bride can pull it out. Once pulled out, the goblin can leave and rest in peace. 

So he waited for more that 900 years for the bride and the bride appeared when he saved her mother who was carrying her. The girl grew up knowing she is the goblin's bride and she can see ghosts. She helped may ghosts to find their peace and when she met the goblin, she fell in love with him straight. She didn't know about the sword but when she found out what would happen, she was so heartbroken and ran away. That's when the goblin realised he had fall for her  that he didn't want to die. But, the girl's destiny is to pul out the sword and if she didn't, she will lose her purpose and die. See! Sooo complicated there. However, the sword was pulled out because the goblin wanted to save the girl and trust me, the girl cried like crazy when the goblin disappeared into ashes. The actress was so good that her cry was so real! She knew she would lose her memory about the goblin so she actually wrote a letter to her future self to no forget the goblin's name. 9 years later, the goblin returned but no one remembered him except for his friend who is a grim ripper who also was his master. So, the goblin tried his hard to be close with the girl but the girl found him creepy. By the way, for 9 years, the girls suffered a terrible heartache where whenever it rains, she will cry her heart out because she was overwhelmed by sadness. She does not remember what had happened and she suffered a lot. 

When the goblin was on verge of giving up, the girl remembered everything and they got together. They were so happy and they got married. But then, a day after the marriage, the girl died as she sacrificed herself to save many kids from accident. It was so sad knowing it was not that long since they got together. She promised the goblin that she will come back and look for him. 30 years after that, she was reincarnated and she went to look for the goblin. They met at their favourite dating place which was Quebec, Canada. 

Also, there was another important part of the story which was about the goblin's master and his queen. The queen was killed because she supported her brother, knowing her love has been blinded by the words of his advisor. When she died, the king suffered a lot and he had let himself been poisoned by the person he used to trust. He became grim ripper and met goblin. He had no memory of himself but after meeting the queen's reincarnation, he slowly got his memory back. However, the queen was so sad with what had happened and told the grim reaper that this life will not be the life that they will get together so they separated. However, 30 years after that, they were both reincarnated and be together.

So, as i was watching this, i was so sad with the grim reaper's relationship. His undying love for the queen was so strong that even when he had no memories of his past life, he cried seeing the picture of the queen that the goblin had kept. Even though they found out what they were, they decided that they should not be together and the queen decided that this should be the grim reaper's punishment. This shows how a strong woman the queen is even though she knew, she longs for her king too. Its good that they got together in their next life :).

Im not really satisfied with how the goblin's life though. He waited for 900 years plus, and in the meantime, he had suffered from the pain that the sword had caused. When he found his bride, they had to make a choice on who to live and who to cease to exist. They got separated for 9 years and when they met, they were separated again for another 30 years. ISNT THAT A HUGE TORTURE ON THE GOBLIN AND HIS BRIDE?! It's just so sad.

This drama was good for me because both characters, the goblin and the bride, are so honest with each other. they speak their mind and they barely keep secret from each other. There's no "I'm keeping it secret to protect you" thingy. They were just honest and i think thats what is important in a relationship. A plot that i love is the part where the bride's quick instinct on writing letter to her future self so that she won't forget her love. She had faith in goblin's return and thats what made me love the plot. She did not give up with the loss but she believed that the goblin will be back. 

Overall, the drama was good but i wish it would have ended differently.

These two dramas are those that i know, i wouldn't want to watch again as i know i will cry regardless of how good it is. Daebak to the writer and director for creating such wonderful dramas.

P/s- From Scarlet Heart Ryeo, the OST that i was talking about is titled Will be Back by Sunhae Im. One good OST from Goblin that most Korean citizens had request for it to be an OST instead of just an opening them is Round & Round by Heize. 

Ciao!

Update!

Hello,

It has been so long since i last posted something in here. Well, what is it now? I do have something in my mind though but me being me, lazy. Now is exam week and life is pretty busy when you have to study three hard subjects and the university just decided to put all three papers near each other. Now i am done with two of it and this Saturday will be the last one. Ive already considered it as a freedom after that paper when actually i have another paper on 7th. Hiuhiuhiu, don't know why i cant be bothered by that one. Maybe coz my carry mark is already A? Maybe. Well, i don't want to talk about exam now, lets move on to next part.

Frisbee? Yeah, right now I'm in a new team, Credo. I could say that i don't regret my decision on not playing with Honey Badgers this time. Credo gives me opportunity to improve on myself and also, this team helps me understand plays better. It's awesome how i can see different style of playing between Badgers and Credo. Initially, i was supposed to join Badgers with Adam but then i changed my mind and go for Credo (Adam was sad). Deep down, i know I'm giving up on playing with Badgers. I don't see myself a part of them and that scares me. I realised this right after Uni Games and i have to admit, i started to not enjoy frisbee after that. Luckily, theres my favourite team in the world which is CMSA! I love playing with them and i could say our chemistry is quite strong! Because of them, my interest for frisbee is slowly building up and Hamner was fun :). I don't hate it but i kind a annoyed when they keep on putting me handling. I want to try cut too :(.

Life in general is okay. I guess... Ahahaha, well, pretty busy with BERSATU works but I'm just super proud with my team coz they all are very high spirited and enthusiastic when doing their works. They are so freaking pro-active! Now, we've booked our sports venue and accommodation and we're like 30% done on our works! Im super super super proud of them.

Ive been hanging out in the library too often that i can feel there's gap forming between me and my flatmates. That actually scares me. I have to admit, going back to the flat after studying, sitting on the sofa with them and try to join in whatever they do is pretty awkward. I'm there but i don't feel like I'm there. Pretty scary but we'll see. Maybe we all will be fine after exam. Hopefully.

Some people are getting on my nerve especially when they call me 'shi shi'. OMG! I hate it so much! I don't know why people like to change my names a lot but i really hate 'shi shi'. Ikhwan likes to call me that and this actually started from Hadri. Well, i finally told him i don't like it and also i told kian seng the same time. IT'S JUST IKHWAN WHO NEVER WANT TO STOP CALLING ME THAT! Im getting annoyed and just now, when he was around, i totally ignored him. Also, i find it disgusting for people, especially guys to talk about stuff such as 'dick' 'sex' and etc. I mean, i am able to tolerate when it's not related to me but when they use it directly on me, i just find it disgusting. I know they were joking and i know I'm supposed to be just open and cool about it but i cant stop feeling disgusted. I shall be more open minded and be cool with it. Hmm, yup.

I  guess thats all for now. I mean, i have a lot more to say but Im just too lazy and i don't think its important enough. Hehehehe

Ciao!

P/s: It breaks my heart to find out my crush likes someone else

It's 3.30am

It's half of 2017 already!
Im in my last year of my undergraduate program and wow! so soon?!

Here i am, writing this post coz i cant sleep.
So, what am i going to talk about now?

Well, there are quite a lot of interesting things happened but being me,
i don't have the motivation to write it all down.

What i have in mind now is about my friends who are in a relationship.
They all seem happy and full?
Im not sure whats the right word of saying it but they seem like their life have completed?
Lol

And here i am still single..
nope, not complaining! I am sad of course but grateful at the same time.
Less commitment!
I just have too much to handle right now,
IM PANICKING!
Jokes!

Some people here were surprised when they found out I've never been in a relationship and i am surprised too!
Surprised that they are surprised! Lol
Do i look like someone who has been in a relationship?

Trust me, in my life, i only had one honest confession from a guy but it was too late :(
But, he's still here with me, supporting me in whatever i do (including stupid things)
He is a great friend and i love him for that

I always wonder why do i get along with guys so easily but not girls?
It takes me quite a lot of effort to maintain a good friendship with a girl but no effort is used to maintain one with a boy?
Is it because I'm close with my brother? Because most of my cousins are boys?
I was in girls school but i still find it hard to mingle with girls properly.
Ive been stabbed from behind for being such person. Ive been called with worst kind of nicknames that you could ever heard but i just couldn't bring myself to punch those people.

"slut" "gatal" "bitch" "stuck-up" and etc

Nah, I'm used to it. I just don't care anymore. I can get along with guys but to keep one, it's actually quite hard also. Conclusion: Keeping friends is hard.

Ive suffered pretty bad during school days when it comes to friendship and I've promised myself on not to suffer anymore. Not to be the innocent, stupid and slow girl who can get stepped on by anyone.

Ive promised myself that i would do whatever i love to do without having to worry about my friends. True friends will stay with you regardless of what you've done.

My mom worries about me quite too much to be honest.
She's worried when i seem fat and she's worried when i still don't have a boyfriend...
Indirectly, she's pressuring me!!!
Told her I've lost weight, she went to stalk me at instagram and told me that i still look fat (this breaks my heart)
Boyfriend?
Yes, i do want to have feeling for someone, to be liked by someone but what to do if the feeling is not there??? I cant force myself to like someone and vice versa.
The time will come (i hate how i have to agree with this)
Mom, calm down!

Most of all, I'm just happy with those people that i have around me and i am grateful to be given such opportunity to know them.

I should force myself to sleep as i only have 4 hours left to sleep.

Goodnight!

BESATU Games 2016

So, I've been looking forward to this annual event since i first arrived here.
What i had in mind was that this would be the platform for me to meet new people across New Zealand that are from Malaysia and also to have fun while playing sports.
BERSATU Games is an annual event that is organised by Malaysian for Malaysian across New Zealand and this year, it was held at Otago, Dunedin.
I met a lot of people but most importantly, i met my friends from Auckland and Wellington.
It has been a really great experience and not to forget, it was also tiring to be the head of contingent while involving in 5 sports.
Out of all the sports i played, i won 4 medals and people said it was a great achievement while i think otherwise. Maybe the fact that i only have one gold,  two silvers and one bronze that made me unsatisfied. Other than that, I had fun.
Gold for volleyball, silver for frisbee and netball and bronze for futsal.

Basketball Female

My contingent <3 td="">

Volleyball team

Futsal Team

Frisbee team

Netball team

I also met new people from Auckland and i also had the chance to meet the organising committee. Eric was so helpful and his faith in me handling the next BERSATU is very much appreciated.
He praised my works on getting everything done for CMSA and even my own committee was impressed. I am proud of my achievement. I like how my contingent has been so supportive and i love how they have faith in each other.
I met Melody, the Frisbee world's player that everyone has been talking about and meeting her was so not what i had expected. I thought she would be someone who is rough and maybe a bit cocky but oh My God, i was so wrong. She is such a graceful lady and a very nice and kind one. I like the way she led her team. It was so soft and kind.
Most of all, most of the auckland girls were so nice to me, including Melody and what made me so happy was when they said i am the rising star of CMSA. I think that was the best recognition i ever got from someone outside of my contingent.
My football skill also was shown when i played futsal and some of they guys were impressed (yes! Now they believe me when i said i know football).
I broke down twice which were after basketball first game where UMSA literally shut me down and also after we went against UMSA for frisbee. It was so sad coz i wanted to bring back gold for Xin yii and Jason and Adrian but its just not our time yet.
Netball was impressive where we put up a really good fight with WMSO and i did less body contact! Congratulation dear self!
Closing dinner was a bit gloomy or maybe just because i was tired.
But, i am proud of myself when Eric told Kian Seng and Kian Seng told everyone that i was taken into consideration when they wanted to decide the female MVP. It was between me and Melody as i was the sportsman like person while Melody has the most gold. They chose melody because they were choosing Justin because of his golds also. So it has to be consistent.
Nonetheless, I'm satisfied to know that.
Its quite sad to know that this BERSATU was the last one for some of the seniors but there's nothing i can mourn about, people come and go.
However, i met Aliah and it was amazing to be able to meet her. She's so cute and adorable as usual :).

Frisbee team

Reunited with Olly

#ootd

Frisbee team

My partner in crime, lol, my other sports officer

My captain for Volleyball (Cranky Old Man)

The Cute Caleb

Jiiky !!

My first gang

My member!

Dom again

Senior from Sri Aman and INTEC, Aliah

I enjoyed my times at Dunedin even though it was tiring but it was a great time spent with my contingent. I was praised on being efficient by the seniors and i can feel the love and care from my contingent. I like how they appreciated me and appreciation is always the best way to know if you've done good. We pissed some people off and they disliked us but overall, we were the loudest, proudest and largest contingent.

I love CMSA.